Paul's Day at the Faire (Fair)

So you have a kilt and a Scottish accent, where do you go besides weddings and funerals?
Now where do you go where you 'fit in' and people don't ask you if you're really from Scotland?
Where can you amuse friends and strangers alike all day long in a Scottish accent???

The Renaissance Farie, or Ye Old Fairy as the sign says.

At this particular Faire, in upstate NY, you will have to drive through New Jersey, which will piss you off, putting you in the right mood to be Scottish and deal with thousands of people in period costume. (to answer another question of how to make the 'welcome to pennsyltucky' sign
attractive: drive through New Yawk and Noo Jurzee)

Prepare yourself for the following: women dressed like wenches. women dressed in leather corsets, women dressed like pirates, women dressed in armour, women with swords, women with axes, women with chain mail underwear...and not one of them over 130 pounds and all between 5/4 and 5/10... black hair, blue hair, purple hair, brown hair, green hair. Now pick
one and obsess over her until you see another that strikes your fancy.
Because they ALL speak with an english accent!!

Upon entering said Faire, waste no time in hitting on the first beer wench you see. Ask for meade, tell her you've never had it before, prepare to be yelled at and embarrassed as a Meade 'virgin', be 'forced' to drink said Meade with both hands tied behind your back, accept a second Meade as a 'prize' then order another. IMPORTANT: do not have breakfast before the
Meade, it will spoil the hallucinations.

Next walk along with your 'friends' whom you've only known for 18 hours, being led by your tongue as you just saw a girl dressed like a pirate... Stop to be insulted by a shop keeper "why do the Scots wear kilts? because sheep can hear zippers. Why do Irish wear kilts? because Scots can hear zippers" insult the shop keepers mother thus surprising him, then give him a hug-he's your new best friend for 35 seconds...forget all about this until reminded 14 hours later. Ask the friends if the Meade at 10AM was a good idea, when they answer "yes" ask them what meade is.

Now, Every time you pass by "your" meade wench scream and point "Ewe did this to me, its all your fault." to which she will always reply "It wasn't me it was him" pointing to anyone nearby.

Find the fellows playing the bagpipes, dance in front of them, and then stand next to them when they finish. Converse with Angus Lochinrad convincing him that you were born in Oban Scotland and enjoyed his show. He will is so pleased he will sign the CD you just bought. Stand next to him some more. When tourists, thinking you're part of the show, asking you where
the bathrooms are, randomly point towards the woods.

Approach the Queen, (Note: every Labor Day the Queen has a birthday, she is now like 400 years old, funny she doesn't look a day over 40...) (Also Note: the Queen an 'escort') Ask the Queen if she got the sheep you sent her for her birthday. When she says 'no' reply loud enough for the nearest hundred people can hear "No, oh I remember I had to EAT it because of your bloody high taxes!!!" Continue with an ad lib from Braveheart... Notice that the 'escort' that is supposed to keep the Queen moving forward, has not stopped you because they are laughing too hard. Tell the Queen you she can make it up to you by buying you a Meade.

Get shooed away from the Queen by your 'friends' who now realize that Meade and a Scottish accent are a dangerous, yet funny, combination.

Dance with a 'peasant' performer at the Maypole dance because...she asked you too. See 'Captain Jack Sparrow' dancing next to you...blink hard. He's still there...see him blinking hard at you...you're still there.

Eat "Steak on a Stake" for $6.

Walk through the "enchanted forest" with fortune teller shops. Realize that $20 dollars to have your palm read exclusively so you can try out "Do you see me in your future" joke is not worth it. Now realize that you're starting to sober up.

Sober up, but continue to ask every flower girl, beer wench, body artist, and chain mail model if you can take them home. .... Wait for it.... Get slapped a total of 0 times.

-Have one performer dressed like a sheep ask you to chase her.
-Have one flower girl ask if you want to feel her wet beaver, have another
ask you to pet her furry dragon. To each of this hold up your seal skinned
bag...have them feel it, to which one replies "that's a furry sack".
-Also allow one performer to fall so she can look up your kilt. Tell her the "sweet and innocent routine" would get her more money at a strip club than a ren faire, then after she does the mock cry routine, tell her she's evil, and after the mock surprise routine ask to take her home.

Go home wenchless, sober, and depressed because you are wenchless and sober, but be happy because you found a place to be Scottish.