Paul Goes to the Big Apple
The urge struck me, I still don’t know why, to go to a city where I must rely exclusively on public transportation. Because I fear property damage and/or theft, I must rely on public transportation to get to the city where I must rely on public transportation.
Enter the Amtrak “Express” service to New York City’s Penn Station. This is completely deceiving as the train stopped at every single small backwards assed town from wherever you happen to be and the place you’re trying to get to. In Philthadelphia the train stops completely and the power goes out. Everyone panics expect for you, who quietly wishes for some horrible death. There is a large ‘bump’ and then the power comes back on, the train departs, only now it is going backwards.
The train takes you (backwards) into a hole in the earth. It is dark, a man tells you to leave, you ask him if this is New York. He tells you it is, and you wonder why there aren’t more buildings, and what happened to the sun? You must have asked this aloud because the conductor is looking at you funny and pushing you off the train onto the platform.
You ascend a series of maze like staircases onto the main floor of Penn Station. I hope you weren’t sleeping, because you will be really disoriented. I was and I’d been up for four hours-roughly the time it takes the train to go 60 miles. Here on the main floor of Penn Station are more signs with more information than you thought possible or useful. If you want the NJTA go here, or there. If you want the LIRR, go here, or there. If you want some random numbers follow the arrows pointing at you. If you want colon cancer follow the other arrows pointing randomly. If you have to go to the bathroom (which I did) look for a wall, and then walk around following it to the universal sign of excretion-The ‘Bud Light’ sign.
You need the ‘subway’ but amoung the thousands of directional signs the words ‘subway’ are mentioned only half the time. Yes the ‘subway’ is omnipotent and omnipresent but if its everywhere how does it know where you want to go?
Answer: it doesn’t. You need to know what series of numbers and letters are required to get you to your destination. Like a safe combination. So after guessing I found myself on a subway platform waiting for a train to take me to destiny…a small area in queens I’m told.
Have a young woman walk past you, stop and then walk back to you asking you if this is the “XYZ123 train to middlecentralnowhere.” Congratulations you’ve been in NYC a total of 25 minutes and a complete stranger has asked you for directions. Is this good or bad?
…To Be Continued.
Enter the Amtrak “Express” service to New York City’s Penn Station. This is completely deceiving as the train stopped at every single small backwards assed town from wherever you happen to be and the place you’re trying to get to. In Philthadelphia the train stops completely and the power goes out. Everyone panics expect for you, who quietly wishes for some horrible death. There is a large ‘bump’ and then the power comes back on, the train departs, only now it is going backwards.
The train takes you (backwards) into a hole in the earth. It is dark, a man tells you to leave, you ask him if this is New York. He tells you it is, and you wonder why there aren’t more buildings, and what happened to the sun? You must have asked this aloud because the conductor is looking at you funny and pushing you off the train onto the platform.
You ascend a series of maze like staircases onto the main floor of Penn Station. I hope you weren’t sleeping, because you will be really disoriented. I was and I’d been up for four hours-roughly the time it takes the train to go 60 miles. Here on the main floor of Penn Station are more signs with more information than you thought possible or useful. If you want the NJTA go here, or there. If you want the LIRR, go here, or there. If you want some random numbers follow the arrows pointing at you. If you want colon cancer follow the other arrows pointing randomly. If you have to go to the bathroom (which I did) look for a wall, and then walk around following it to the universal sign of excretion-The ‘Bud Light’ sign.
You need the ‘subway’ but amoung the thousands of directional signs the words ‘subway’ are mentioned only half the time. Yes the ‘subway’ is omnipotent and omnipresent but if its everywhere how does it know where you want to go?
Answer: it doesn’t. You need to know what series of numbers and letters are required to get you to your destination. Like a safe combination. So after guessing I found myself on a subway platform waiting for a train to take me to destiny…a small area in queens I’m told.
Have a young woman walk past you, stop and then walk back to you asking you if this is the “XYZ123 train to middlecentralnowhere.” Congratulations you’ve been in NYC a total of 25 minutes and a complete stranger has asked you for directions. Is this good or bad?
…To Be Continued.
posted by Mike at 9:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home